You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
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When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
This anagram machine is out of order.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.