@Angrea

You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.

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@Tw1tter_K1tten

Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.

@KentWGraham

My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.

@CakeThrottle

Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference

@NicestHippo

A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you

@StellaGMaddox

Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”

@Twtercide

Me: I have a date tonight.

Friend: A guy coming over to install cable isn’t a date.

Me: *frowns* But I got a cheese platter….

@psybermonkey

Me: cute infant you have there

Mary: thanks

Me: so tender and mild

Mary: …w-what

@DeadLioness

Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”

@_NTFG_

Sit down and let me tell you a story.

Once Upon A Time……last night……I had a few drinks and……borrowed your credit card.

@Dawn_M_

It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.