@Angrea

You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.

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@schumoo

Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.

Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.

@cluedont

If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.

@o__0Dev

VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions

@1MeLrO

Today is my first day of taking fish oil

When do I get scales

@Tups13

I stare at the cats.
“And in space, if you knock something slowly off the table, it just gently floats away.”
They look at me in horror.

@frenziedandfine

The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.

@Coolisiana

I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on

@TheMichaelRock

An anonymous internet person said they were going to block me and then blocked me. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

@SvnSxty

I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur