@Tw1tter_K1tten Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
@Angrea You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
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@Tw1tter_K1tten 
@KentWGraham My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
@CakeThrottle Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
@NicestHippo A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
@StellaGMaddox Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
@Twtercide Me: I have a date tonight.
Friend: A guy coming over to install cable isn’t a date.
Me: *frowns* But I got a cheese platter….
@psybermonkey Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
@DeadLioness Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
@_NTFG_ Sit down and let me tell you a story.
Once Upon A Time……last night……I had a few drinks and……borrowed your credit card.
@Dawn_M_ It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.