@Ms_WhateverV

“You can’t tell me what to do! I do what I want!”- toddlers, teenagers and US congress

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@PhuckinCody

[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?

her: probably “ethereal,” it means-

me: mine is “shuttlecock.”

@ohpegah

ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager

@SamGrittner

If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.

@BoogTweets

The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.

@DaddyJew

If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?

@mommajessiec

I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.

@iLikeCatShirts

House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.

@RunOldMan

I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.

@Vodkantots

Listen, guys. I’ve had two kids.

Your promise to “destroy” it is no good here.

@ddsmidt

In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.

While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.