Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
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Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?