“You can’t tell me what to do! I do what I want!”- toddlers, teenagers and US congress

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[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?

her: probably “ethereal,” it means-

me: mine is “shuttlecock.”


ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager


If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.


The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.


If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?


I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.


House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.


I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.


Listen, guys. I’ve had two kids.

Your promise to “destroy” it is no good here.


In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.

While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.