Dad: Honey, I hope you know you can ask me anything.
Me: Why couldn’t rock bands in the 70s and 80s spell their own names right?
Dad: Anything at all, really. Just let me know.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
You Might Also Like
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
i love pizza
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Anyone who shows up late to work, wearing shades and clutching a Gatorade is about to tell a lie.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]