You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
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An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.