I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
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I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
buying dead houseplants to save time
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Jogging
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all