You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
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I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
u spoke cat all this time??????
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Phones down.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!