You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
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me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
is this meant to deter me
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Has science gone too far?
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT