You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
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[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
#growingpains
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
The USS B port
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it