You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
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Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.