You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
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Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
How wrong was this guy?
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
dude it’s called proctologist
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.