@Cali_Kid_Mike

“You clean up nicely”, is just a polite way of saying, “You usually look like shit.”

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@iwearaonesie

*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*

“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”

@Danny_McH2O

Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.

@HaleyMDriscoll

My boyfriend said we could only get one cat. So I’m only getting one cat. One pregnant cat.

@hermanntrude

my three kids wanted to do one of those taste challenges for a youtube video yesterday. The foods we chose were:

– smoked oysters
– weird crunchy cheese
– radishes
– canneloni
– kitkat ice cream

apparently the whole thing was a trick to get ice cream

@ClaytonSykes

Revere rides a horse saying “The British are Coming”and it’s heroic but I hop a pogo stick naked screaming “look at me”and it’s probation?

@PoodleSnarf

If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza

@JermHimselfish

Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together

@KateWouldHaveIt

My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position