Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
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Wife just said “burgs” instead of “burgers” and now I’m a little scared to think of what she’s going to do with all the time she saved.
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
*sends back food because instagram down*
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
I bet Yoda was pretty hot before he turned into an old Asian lady.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Her: We’re just different
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?