@DarkerWillow

You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??

Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?

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@ddsmidt

Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.

Bartender: One more then?

Me: Yep

@thestlouisan

Wife just said “burgs” instead of “burgers” and now I’m a little scared to think of what she’s going to do with all the time she saved.

@subtweetopath

[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*

@stevevsninjas

[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*

@DurtMcHurtt

I bet Yoda was pretty hot before he turned into an old Asian lady.

@flashember

Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU

@RealDMK

“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets

@brennadine

[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet

@Scottzilla667

Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?