You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
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Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
This is painfully accurate 😅