You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
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16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?