You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
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5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.