You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
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If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
This is why I hate group projects
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!