You could eat off the floor in this bathroom, but that’s just a euphemism. We have a dining room.

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Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.


I meet with my HR manager every Friday afternoon to recap what I shouldn’t have said or done over the past 5 days.


[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]

I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????


Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.


Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.

Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours

Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.


librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees

me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find


Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him


[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.