“You could have done so much better than him.”

Me: Mom, I’m right here.

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“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”

Yes please



[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”


[after i confess to murder]

COP: sarge? you gotta see this

[shows interrogation video and sees my fingers crossed the whole time]


If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.


date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more

me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind


Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly


PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.


Now we’re going to say some shit to scare old people.

-the local news