“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
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[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
[after i confess to murder]
COP: sarge? you gotta see this
[shows interrogation video and sees my fingers crossed the whole time]
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Now we’re going to say some shit to scare old people.
-the local news