You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.

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Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.


I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?


WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.

THERAPIST: is this true?

ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?


totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school


*at Starbucks*

“Ya I’ll have the medium roast please”

*Barista insults him a lot but not too much*


Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges


I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.


Good neighbors never bother you.

Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.


Me: I treat my body like a temple. *Leaves body in mexican jungle for 500 years*


Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.