@simoncholland

You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.

You Might Also Like

@VancityReynolds

Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.

@CantWaitToNap

I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?

@Reverend_Scott

WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.

THERAPIST: is this true?

ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?

@botandy

totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school

@The_Grant_Boldt

*at Starbucks*

“Ya I’ll have the medium roast please”

*Barista insults him a lot but not too much*

@PatsATweetin

Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges

@lloydrang

I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.

@ashmensch

Good neighbors never bother you.

Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.

@d_duhwit

Me: I treat my body like a temple. *Leaves body in mexican jungle for 500 years*

@donni

Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.