@simoncholland

You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.

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@mompsychologist

5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”

So, yeah, she’s mine.

@TMZ

Reckless driving, pot allegations and cop visits, Justin Bieber is a bad wig away from being the next Amanda Bynes.

@AnOrangeSNES

I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.

@junejuly12

Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.

@mrtruthandsoul

Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!

@batkaren

“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”

HOWLING VOID: [howling]

@thenatewolf

Sneaky? Dude, I got two handfuls of soup into a movie theater once.

@JimNorton

I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.