You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
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That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
oppen heimer style lol
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”