@underchilde

You could probably master Mandarin while waiting on the last bit of laundry detergent to drizzle into the cap.

You could probably master Mandarin while waiting on the last bit of laundry detergent to drizzle into the cap.

- @underchilde

You Might Also Like

@andlikelaura

[group therapy]

me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?

voldemort: uhh no

joker: yikes

darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you

@refinedrednec

I have a way with words. It’s the wrong way but it’s still a way.

@That_Damn_Duck

My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.

Now he can hear the voices too.

@DanMentos

Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto

@ArfMeasures

Me: Will you marry me?

Her: No

Backing singers: She said no! she said no!

Me: Not now

@Parkerlawyer

My husband has officially reached peak dad status.

Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room

Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon

@rumsnipe

Mechanic : your motor is losing power and it won’t last long.
Me : you been talking to my wife bro?

@TheRolo

And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…

Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.

Me: Oh ok nevermind.

@TheAndrewNadeau

DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.

ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?

DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.

ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*