*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
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*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*