You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
You Might Also Like
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website