you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
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Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Hey I worked for it too!
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
the icebreaker
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Yep.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”