@murrman5

you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.

You Might Also Like

@TitaniumToplass

DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?

@chopper4jk

I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.

@OfficeofSteve

I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them

@FunnyTunes

I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.

@KalvinMacleod

CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice

@Staggfilms

Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?

@UnFitz

Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?

@Robski_Boy

I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.

@crylosec

[train station]

Man: hey you.

Woman: Hi.

M: i’m Christian.

W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks away

M: ugh. i hate my name.

@skullpuppy11

My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.