@wolfpupy

you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity

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@iamrandomape

SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery

[me 3 months later]

I think he had a brewery

@Scorpio1080

“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?

Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*

@FSUSteve

I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.

@Surgyen

Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.

@MomofTeen

I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.

@PellMull

I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.

“Ok what do we got here?”

@Shock_Monster

Why do Asian people never seem to age?

I met a chinese girl today & I estimate her age to be somewhere between 4 & 197.

@PerfectPending

Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.