you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
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Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.