@TheMichaelRock

You couldn’t hold an intelligent conversation if I duct taped one to your hands.

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@NOLAN_MA

Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?

@savvystrider

My friend Mark called me pretentious so I slapped him with my silk handkerchief.

@sixfootcandy

Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!

@RCKruseKontrol

ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.

CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?

@BruppFWTX

“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”

@SexySillyGrl

Your honor, I second that motion

Judge: Ma’am, I’m simply reading your husband’s request to be cremated

@RadioShorty

So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!

@Browtweaten

Doctor: You’re sick

Me: Yeah?

Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough

Me: Awww

@maddyalou

Feeling sick at work.
Subway to the bus-$5
Bus to commuter lot-$2
Puking in my car-$0
Guy in the car next to me puking in response-priceless