Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
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Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me