maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
You couldn’t hold an intelligent conversation if I duct taped one to your hands.
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Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
My friend Mark called me pretentious so I slapped him with my silk handkerchief.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Your honor, I second that motion
Judge: Ma’am, I’m simply reading your husband’s request to be cremated
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Doctor: You’re sick
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Feeling sick at work.
Subway to the bus-$5
Bus to commuter lot-$2
Puking in my car-$0
Guy in the car next to me puking in response-priceless