@TheMichaelRock

You couldn’t hold an intelligent conversation if I duct taped one to your hands.

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@DaddyBeerGuy

Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!

Someone call 911!

@Coolisiana

INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?

ME:

INTERVIEWER:

ME:

MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself

@froghammer

Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die

@joeljeffrey

I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.

@papasuncle

If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.

@Henry_3000

Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.

@weinerdog4life

Literally thousands of chameleons in your house right now and you don’t even know it.

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland

Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it

5: You should just send me

@ClichedOut

Hot Girl: Hey, u single?

Me: I am.

HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.