You couldn’t hold an intelligent conversation if I duct taped one to your hands.

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Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!

Someone call 911!


INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?




MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself


Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die


I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.


If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.


Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.


Literally thousands of chameleons in your house right now and you don’t even know it.


5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland

Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it

5: You should just send me


Hot Girl: Hey, u single?

Me: I am.

HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?


Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.