@NotOnTheMoors

You could’ve cut the atmosphere with a knife; disapproval radiated from every doorway. I’d missed cat feeding time by two hours.

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@slimmy_shady

Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?

@BoobsRadley

The next time somebody complains about millennials, maybe remind them which generation linoleumed over all those beautiful hardwood floors.

@Skoog

professor x: what’s your power?

jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters

gay professor x : interesting

@EndhooS

[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons

@Kryzazy

Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.

6 month old baby: ……..

@XplodingUnicorn

7-year-old: I won breakfast!

Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.

7: Said the loser.

@TheToddWilliams

Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!

Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…

Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn

@climaxximus

cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law

me: incompetent lawyer

cop: wha-

me: tainted evidence

cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that

@awesomeseank

Evidently, trying to schedule parent/teacher conference over drinks and “we’ll see what happens” is considered inappropriate.