They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
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Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
My purse is deeper than some people.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Every photo I’m tagged in
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Breaking news:
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Breaking news:
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.