My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
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I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.