Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
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Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles