You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
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As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”