You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
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You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank