You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
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A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual