You deplete me
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‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
early stone age tool
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.