They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
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10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.