You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
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6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
I beg your pardon?
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married