You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
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Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
lost dog
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒