You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.

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I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours


Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.


Squirrel Thoughts

They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.


Poached salmon on a bed of brown rice with peas or Roasted duck with polenta and organic green beans?

Choosing dog food is hard.


The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.


I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.


Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.


Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.



I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.


What I say: “Does anyone need anything from the store?” What I mean: “I’m off to smoke a bowl in my car so I can deal with all of you.”