@rickolantern

You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.

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@LuvPug

I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours

@MomOfTeen

Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.

@JimmerThatisAll

Squirrel Thoughts

They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.

@LinajkReturns

Poached salmon on a bed of brown rice with peas or Roasted duck with polenta and organic green beans?

Choosing dog food is hard.

@ErrenMichaels

The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.

@copymama

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

@lurie_john

Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.

@Parkerlawyer

Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.

“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”

@TheCatWhisprer

I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.

@TheSnideOne

What I say: “Does anyone need anything from the store?” What I mean: “I’m off to smoke a bowl in my car so I can deal with all of you.”