You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese

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I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.


*Turns up “Eye of the Tiger”*

*air boxes*

*jumps imaginary rope*

*takes awesome nap*

*crowned World Nap Champion third day in a row*


[in a getaway car]

robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask

me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?


if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”


i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”


STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.


Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.


Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs


god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference