I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
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*Turns up “Eye of the Tiger”*
*jumps imaginary rope*
*takes awesome nap*
*crowned World Nap Champion third day in a row*
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference