You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
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Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Me too, bag. Me too….
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol