alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo πππ
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
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me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight donβt count
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, βthatβs niceβ and asked me to get her a glass of water.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe heβs looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I donβt think anyone would find that very attractive.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, βWhat would Jesus do?β, then I hide for three days in a cave
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right weβre on the same page, 6
me: we donβt need to get there an hour early
dad: we canβt arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i donβt understand
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Iβm a parent, so if another grownup tells me βweβll seeβ or βmaybeβ I know the answer is no
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
βThis sunscreen smells like eggs.β -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
ME: I donβt want to die, but Iβm not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.