[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
You Might Also Like
groan^2
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!