Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
You Might Also Like
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve