YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
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Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.