YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
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First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
My work here is done
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Love it! 👍😂
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.