You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
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I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Free him
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it