You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.

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This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would


what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun


me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog


Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?


Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens

Batman: You’re hired


[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”


When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.


I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.


I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.