@krisv_723

You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.

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@Bob_Janke

This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would

@ihuffpaint

what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun

@DanMentos

me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog

@davepell

Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?

@BoogTweets

Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens

Batman: You’re hired

@Reverend_Scott

[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”

@GensPlace

When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.

@D2BMcG

I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.

@Darlainky

I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.