You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
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relationship goals
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Me too 😆
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.