My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
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ME: Watch this [puts chopsticks up nose, does silly face]
DATE: This isn’t even a Chinese restaurant did you bring those with you?
[lou bega voice] this is playstation number five
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
You think you understand people and then you see a car with eyelashes on the headlights.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*