What i do in my bedroom is my business, what I do in your bedroom ok I guess that’s your business
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
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at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Sometimes when I’m bored I send a text to a random number saying, “ok they’re dead, what do I do with the body?”
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Me: [attempting to warm up my 12th plate of tacquitos today]
JESUS: today im going to walk on water
JUDAS: NO DONT–
[jesus walks onto ocean. entire ocean turns to wine. all ocean life dies instamtly]
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.