@arcaduh

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@OyVeyLady

My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body

@joejwest

[on date]
ME: Watch this [puts chopsticks up nose, does silly face]
DATE: This isn’t even a Chinese restaurant did you bring those with you?

@ZSmooth2

My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain

@ohpeetie

You think you understand people and then you see a car with eyelashes on the headlights.

@ramblinma

Me: I need to make better life choices.

Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.

@FatherWithTwins

By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.

@BunAndLeggings

Toddler: I want toast

Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast

Husband: just tell her she already ate it

Me: you already ate your toast

Toddler: *eyes narrow*

Husband: you said it was yummy

Toddler: *walks away*

@Diversion50

[at interview]

INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?

ME: Peter Piper.

INTERVIEWER: What does he do?

ME: It’s difficult to say.

@markydoodoo

[House Hunters]

*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*