You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
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Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word