@arcaduh

You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.

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@zachreinert03

What i do in my bedroom is my business, what I do in your bedroom ok I guess that’s your business

@70Ceeks

at the salon thinking of going darker for winter

maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl

@MicheleAKALips

Sometimes when I’m bored I send a text to a random number saying, “ok they’re dead, what do I do with the body?”

@LockWilford

[Hair Salon]

Stylist: What would you like?

Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.

@mompsychologist

Husband: So we’ve basically given up.

Me: On what?

H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.

@lovemydogduck

I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.

@justokpanda

Me: [attempting to warm up my 12th plate of tacquitos today]

My microwave:

@jonnysun

JESUS: today im going to walk on water
JUDAS: NO DONT–
[jesus walks onto ocean. entire ocean turns to wine. all ocean life dies instamtly]

@Gupton68

I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.