You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
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Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.