After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
You don’t have to own a dog to carry a bag of poo around in public. Literally anyone can do it.
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Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
“Give your email a good password. Letters, symbols, numbers.”
“What about my atm card which holds all my money?”
“Any 4 numbers in a row.”
Venmo me $20 and I will comment “yikes” on an enemy’s Instagram picture of your choosing
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Say it ain’t so
I will not go
Turn the lights off
Cotton Eye Joe