You don’t have to own a dog to carry a bag of poo around in public. Literally anyone can do it.

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After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.


Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now


First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.

Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.


“Give your email a good password. Letters, symbols, numbers.”
“What about my atm card which holds all my money?”
“Any 4 numbers in a row.”


Venmo me $20 and I will comment “yikes” on an enemy’s Instagram picture of your choosing


At what point should you worry about your drinking?

I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.


Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.


Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”