*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
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hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
3% human
97% stress
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali