It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
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Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?