You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
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A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time