You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
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“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites