*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
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Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
good work, everybody
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe