You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
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My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.
To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.